OA

Today I made the decision that I need some extra help with my weight loss. Right now, I'm just kind of maintaining my 30lb weight loss. Not losing more, but not gaining, either. I looked into Overeaters Anonymous and found a group that fit my schedule at one of our hospitals here. I read the list of ways you can tell if you're an overeater and I fit EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Here is the list from their website, www.oa.org

My answers are in all CAPS.

1. Do you eat when you're not hungry? ALL THE TIME
   
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason? SURE - ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M ALONE
   
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating? ALL THE TIME
   
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food? YES - I DAYDREAM ABOUT FOOD
   
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone? YES - SO I CAN EAT WHAT I WANT AND HOW MUCH I WANT
   
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time? YES - I PLAN WHEN MY BOYFRIEND WILL BE GONE OR AT WORK SO I CAN EAT ALONE
   
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone? YES - AROUND OTHERS, I TRY TO MAKE GOOD CHOICES AND THEN OFTEN GO GET MORE FOOD ONCE I'M ALONE
   
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life? ABSOLUTELY
   
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal? NUMEROUS TIMES
   
10. Do you resent others telling you to "use a little willpower" to stop overeating? YES - I WISH THEY REALIZED HOW HARD IT IS
    
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet "on your own" whenever you wish? HELL, I GOT A WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY THAT I THOUGHT WOULD MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER
    
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime? ALL DAY, EVERY DAY
    
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble? YES, ESPECIALLY THINGS THAT MAKE ME SAD OR DEPRESSED
    
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition? OBESITY
    
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy? MYSELF AND MY PARENTS WHEN I WAS GROWING UP - THEY WERE CONCERNED

So clearly, dear readers, I have a problem that cannot just be solved by the LapBand. I need to treat my head, too.

Lack of Updates

I don't know if anyone reads this thing other than myself. Normally, I don't care, because it allows me to get my thoughts out in front of me. I guess the reason I haven't updated lately is because there isn't much to report. I haven't made much progress since I lost the 30 lbs. I've just kind of maintained that weight and can't get over the hump. I feel bad that I had my surgery 6 months ago and all I've managed to lose is 30 lbs. I know, 30 lbs isn't a small feat, but I feel like it is compared to what I see other lapbanders lose. One girl had hers done in February and has lost over 80 lbs. I want to be that person.

Gas

One side effect of the surgery is that I'm filled with more gas than I was before. Although, sometimes it's not a bad thing. At least once a day I have the most satisfying, deep burp that comes out of nowhere. It always feels like a ton of pressure is released and I feel light as a feather afterward.

Of course, I get the OTHER kind of gas, too. Mainly at night when I lay down. Let me tell you, my boyfriend LOVES that. He thinks it's hilarious that I can't keep it in. I knew this would be a side effect, but I guess I didn't realize how often it would occur.

Shame

Just when I thought I was on a roll with this blog, I up and desert it. I'm sorry. But we all know that life happens and let me tell you; life happened. Pretty much all good things, but time consuming, nonetheless. Interestingly enough, I've been updating my handwritten journal almost nightly. That was something I used to have a lot of trouble with, but lately it has been second nature to jot down my thoughts for the day when I get into bed.

Things with my boyfriend are going wonderfully. We had a successful trip to Ohio. More than successful - we didn't want to leave! My grandparents loved him instantly as I knew they would. Especially my grandfather, who is one of the country's leading professors in African-American literature. He and Arthur never ran out of things to talk about. He called us a "beautiful couple" and it was such a wonderful trip.

My weight loss has been...well, a moot point lately. I haven't lost anymore, but I haven't gained anything either. I guess it's not too bad, but I do feel like I eat a lot more than I should be. Last night I had TWO pieces of baked spaghetti. TWO! The point is that I can actually finish food whereas before I'd always have food left on my plate. I don't know if this warrants a trip to the fill nurse to may sure the saline didn't leak out, but the payment for the fluroscopy machine is pretty high and I can't afford it right now. I'll see how things go after the New Year and make a trip up there if I'm still struggling.

Spanx for the memories..

My life has been turned upside down. Suddenly, everything is brighter, sunnier, more full of wonder. Not really, but I have been introduced to an amazing contraption called Spanx. I have a very formal wedding to go to in Tampa this weekend, so I went to Lane Bryant to search for a dress. I found a beautiful black dress on sale and tried it on. I was mostly happy with the way it looked, except for the stomach area. While my stomach has gotten smaller, it still doesn't look great in certain fabrics that show every little indentation or ripple. The saleswoman could see my hesitation about the dress and when I told her why, she said, "let me get you a pair of Spanx to try on". Well, you would have thought the Hallelujah chorus was singing the way my face lit up when I saw the dress with a pair of those bad boys on. Everything was firm! Everything was smooth! I looked amazing! I instantly bought the Spanx, the dress, and another dress for the rehearsal dinner. I tried on all my other dresses that I've had the same problem with and it's like I'm wearing brand new clothes! I want to wear the Spanx with everything and the saleswoman said that some people do.

While the Spanx take a while to get on, they're not uncomfortable, they don't roll down like panty hose or other body shapers, and they actually WORK. For $36.00 a pair, it's completely worth it. Since they do take a while to get on, they even have a hole in the crotch so you can pee without taking them off. Sounds kind of porn star, but totally convenient. I would recommend Spanx to ANYONE who has ever had a tummy issue and didn't buy a certain outfit because of it. I plan to put my Spanx to good use!

Ohio

So my boyfriend and I are going to visit my grandparents in Athens, Ohio in October. I'm very excited about this trip as they have not met him and I know they'll love him. They're not really able to travel down here anymore and I haven't been up there in almost 10 years. I love where they live, it's a beautiful farm house and they often have deer walking through their yard.

I'm also excited about the flight. My boyfriend and I have not yet flown together, so that's fun. I also haven't been on a flight since I went to Tijuana for my surgery and that was the first time the seatbelt almost didn't close. I had to really strain to get it to close and it was uncomfortably tight. I'm 30 lbs lighter now and hopefully will be another 5lbs lighter by then, so it'll be interesting to see how the seatbelt fits. If I don't have to strain, it'll be a lovely little victory.

Update

Mother hubbard, it's been a while since I updated! I began my new job and I absolutely love it. I love going to work, I'm not in a bad mood when I go home, and I don't find myself looking at the clock every 10 minutes. This job has proved to be very beneficial to my mental and physical health. My last job was a pretty big company and you know what that means; potluck lunches and PLENTY of people to go to lunch with. Now I work in a small company with just 3 other people and I have less lunch time, so I find myself bringing my lunch more and more, which is a lot healthier. I can see a difference in my body each day. Lately, my face has been looking slimmer and my much balleyhooed "skinny" jeans are too big! Yay! I also fit into my shoes better and can wear cuter shoes that before would make my toes look like stuffed sausages.

I also haven't updated in a while because right after I started my new job I got sick. Nothing band related, thankfully, but still SICK. I was bitten by something after T.S. Fay hit and got a staph infection. I went to the doctor, but I was allergic to the antibiotics and pain meds they gave me. Actually, I don't know which one I was allergic to since I took them at the same time, but I wasn't about to experiment and find out. I threw up so violently that the capillaries in my face broke from straining so hard that my face was bruised for days. I looked like Violet from Willy Wonka. Thankfully, I got on some better antibiotics after that and the infection went away. And on a morbid note, I lost 2 lbs from throwing up. I know, I know - bad way to lose weight, but hey - at this point I'll take what I can get. :)

I've set a mini-goal for myself to lose 20 lbs by Christmas. That will put me in Onederland! It has officially been 3 years since I weighed under 200lbs, so that will be a big accomplishment for me.

I know that I will definitely be getting a breast reduction once I've lost the majority of my weight. My insurance company has always said they'd cover the surgery once I lost weight. My breasts have always hindered me and cause a lot of neck, shoulder, and back problems. My main concern is having a tummy tuck/panniculectomy. A panniculectomy is the removal of the "pannus" or overhanging skin around the abdominal area, mainly under the belly button. I've had one as long as I can remember and it really bothers me. I end up buying pants that are too big for me so that it'll fit around my mid-section properly and it ends up being too big everywhere else. It prohibits me from exercising properly and I often get bad skin irritations under it, near my pelvic bone. Surgeons usually recommend people that have had gastric bypass or LapBand to wait 1 year after the surgery before having that done so that the major health problems with obesity can subside. Thankfully, I didn't have a lot of health problems, so I'll probably make an appointment with my doctor after the New Year to discuss my options. I'm not really concerned with having a flat stomach as much as a stomach that allows me to be active and productive.

Out with the old, in with the new..

So it's been a while since I last posted. I was in the process of leaving my current job for a new one, so these past 2 weeks have been hectic. Today is my last day at the current job and I am so excited that it's here. Of course, today is also the day that Tropical Storm Fay is hitting my area, so that kind of puts a damper (haha) on my last day. I'm taking a job that is more related to my other profession, massage therapy. I cannot wait and believe this will be a positive change for me.

There were plenty of days when this current job had me so stressed that the first thing I would do when I left was eat. I'd leave here and search for whatever food I thought would make me feel better. This new job is a much more positive environment and I truly believe that will make a difference on my overall attitude.

As much as I hate my current job, it'll always hold a special place in my heart. This job allowed me to meet a man that is more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. We've worked together for the past year and a half and dated this entire time and I've loved every minute of it. While I'll miss being able to walk down the hall to see his handsome face, I know our relationship will continue to grow. This job brought me love. It also brought me a lot of close friendships that I truly appreciate.

My battle wounds

Or lack thereof, I should say. A question I always get when someone finds out about my surgery is "how bad are your scars?". As I've said before, the LapBand is done laproscopically through 5 incisions. The longest incision (less than an inch long) is where the port is placed under my abdomen and then there are 4 other 1/8 of an inch incisions around my stomach. One is to the far right, one is the far left, one is right under my left breast and the other is between my breasts. I wouldn't even call those incisions, more like little nicks, they're so tiny! These little scars are my reminders of what I'm doing to change my life and I wear them proudly. A friend of mine had a tummy tuck about a week before my surgery and she was ASTONISHED at my the size of my scars. I think she thought it was going to be more like an open gastic bypass scar and she was looking forward to comparing our scars. She didn't even want to show me hers after seeing mine. I barely even notice mine sometimes because they've faded dramatically and are very smooth.

I have one other major scar which is on my right knee and I got it mountain climbing in Greece. I know, fancy, right? I wear that scar proudly, too. Don't be afraid of the scars - they stand for so much!

Things to Remember While Losing Weight

I hesitate to use the word "diet" because it sets a negative tone for me. I've never had success dieting, so I'd rather not associate that word with what I'm doing. I'd rather call it my "life change" because that's what I'm doing - changing my life. It's not like I'll stop watching what I eat or stop exercising once I hit my goal weight -I have the maintain this for the rest of my life. But there are things that make it hard to do this. There are so many life elements that can get in the way of succeeding.

1. Food is everywhere. It's at every social event, there's a fast food place at every corner, and there is a food advertised every other commercial. We'll never be able to get away from it, so how do we deal with this constant parade of cheeseburgers and pizzas in our face? Easy. "If I eat that, I will die". That sounds dramatic, but how true is it? If we keep eating the way we do, we'll eventually die from some obesity-related disease. "If I eat that, I will die and my family and friends will have to live without me". If you're going to an event with food, eat before you go. Eat something healthy so that when you get there, the need to eat is gone and you have a better chance of passing up the food. Drink as much water as you can and the urge to tear apart that buffet will pass.

2. Portions are LARGE these days. Just because you're watching what you eat does not mean you can't go OUT to eat. If you decide to go out, know that the portion on your plate is going to be more than you can eat, especially if you've had weight loss surgery. There is no way I can physically finish a meal anymore, so this is something I often deal with. A great tip is asking for a children's meal or ordering an appetizer. My doctor provided me with a card to give to a manager that basically says that I've had bariatric surgery and cannot consume large portions. But you don't need this card to eat out. If you order a regular meal, ask for a to go box to come out with your meal. When it comes out, immediately put half of your meal into the box and then eat the remaining portions. This gets the majority of your meal out of your line of sight and out of your stomach. Or you can share a meal with someone, if the restaurant allows it. There is a way that you can eat out, enjoy your meal, and not overeat.

3. You have to plan. If I didn't plan my meals, I would definitely have a harder time staying on course. If I didn't make my lunch the night before, you can bet your sweet tush I'd be eating out every day. If I didn't bring my oatmeal and banana for breakfast, I'd partake in the breakfast buffet my work often has. If I didn't have a dinner in mind on the way home, I'd be stopping for chinese. It's also important to write down what you're eating. It makes you accountable for your food intake and keeps your portions in control. It's so easy to forget what you ate or think you ate less than you did. Leaving your meals up in the air spells disaster. Plan, plan, plan!

2nd Fill

On Saturday, I had my 2nd fill in Moultrie, GA with Darlene. I received another cc of saline into my band bringing me up to a total of 2.6 cc's in a band that can hold up to 4 cc's. So, I'm over half full. I haven't felt a lot of restriction yet, but I'm confident it will come. I hope this fill really helps me lose a good chunk of my goal weight as my next fill won't be until October. (Darlene only does fills every other month)

Here's to good restriction!

A Look Back

In 2005, I almost died. In July of that year, I suffered some of the worst headaches I've ever had. Headaches that left me retching into the toilet and unable to stand up on my own. On July 26th, my 20th birthday, I was admitted in the hospital for possible meningitis. I had a spinal tap and it revealed I had an infection in the my spinal fluid, but it was later found out that it was not meningitis. My doctors felt I had pseudotumor cerebri. It is found in obese women only and causes spinal fluid to build up between your optic nerves and brain, causing severe migraines and loss of eyesight. For the next 2 months, I suffered from this. I had over 7 spinal taps and 5 MRI's. Because of the rate I was throwing up, they gave me an anti-nausea medication that I was apparently allergic to and it nearly killed me. I suffered several severe seizures and spent 4 days in the ICU in a state of hallucination that scared the hell out of my parents. At one point, the doctors told them to invite family to town that might want to say goodbye to me. By some miracle, I came out of that, but still suffered from the headaches and I began to lose my eyesight in my right eye. My eye crossed and I lost the vision in it almost completely. The only thing that kept the pain at bay was a high dose of Dilaudin (sp?) that was administered every 4 hours. I became addicted to it during my stay and the withdrawal process was terrible.
I was finally released from the hospital after 2 months, but still suffered. While some of my vision had come back, my eye was still crossed and my speech was slurred. I can only describe it as knowing what I wanted to say, but not being able to physically say it. I STILL have trouble with that, 3 years later.
My parents and I drove to the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville to meet with a neurologist, Dr. Capobianco, and he strongly felt I had a condition called Bartleson's Syndrome. This is a condition caused by abnormal spinal fluid that causes severe migraines and motory, sensory, speech, and visual disturbances. This is also related to overweight patients, primarily women. In almost all cases, you recover completely, but it CAN happen again.

Motivation for losing weight doesn't have to be for vanity purposes or because you're made fun of or want a change. There are serious medical conditions caused by obesity that CAN be prevented, just like mine. Every day, I'm scared it'll happen again. Every headache makes me wonder if it's like the headaches from that time. The period of my life was so scary for both me and my family and I can't imagine going through that again.

I've definitely come a long way since then. I gained more weight gradually after being released from the hospital until I got to my highest weight of 248. I will NEVER get to that point again. My life depends on it.

Vacation Lesson Learned

I mentioned in my last post about my vacation to Panama City that it was a disaster food-wise. I am happy to report that this past weekend's vacation to Panama City was a food success. My family and I rented a condo that was fully furnished with a kitchen, so we did all our own cooking. What a difference that made! For breakfast I usually had eggs, toast, and a banana, for lunch we made sandwiches and for dinner we cooked chicken, veggies, rice, etc. It was all great and I felt so much better about myself. I also was a lot more active this time around. We spent countless hours at the pool and beach. My calves are SORE from all the walking my boyfriend and I did on the beach. We celebrated our birthdays there and my parents got me custom sports bras that are especially made for bigger breasts. I used to wear my regular bras which weren't suited for exercise because I couldn't find a sports bra that was A) big enough and B) gave me any support. These are great and they even have underwire in them like a real bra. Yay! Combined with the athletic shoes my boyfriend gave me, I'm all set!

Ah, vomit..

WARNING! This blog contains graphic content! Please read at your own risk! Don't say I didn't warn you! :)

So yesterday was my sweetie's birthday and we decided to go out to dinner, just the two of us. After a weekend of partying with our friends and family, it was nice for it to just be us. We decided to go to Osaka, his favorite Japanese hibachi restaurant. We got there a little after 8pm and since it was a Tuesday, it wasn't very crowded. We placed our drink order (neither of us drink alcohol, so it was lemonade and hot tea) and our dinner order. He decided to get the steak and shrimp hibachi and since I had too much trouble with steak the last time I tried, I decided to go with chicken and shrimp hibachi. I didn't try the soup, but I did eat a good amount of my salad. Then the hibachi chef came out and went through his normal antics. It's always a fun, interactive dinner. I've been lucky so far with rice and other carbs, so I didn't expect to have any PB episode. *Note: PB is short for Productive-Burping, or throwing up. It usually occurs if you eat too fast, don't chew your food enough, or take too big of a bite* After a couple of bites of rice and shrimp, I realized my food felt a little "stuck" in my esophagus. Usually waiting a few minutes or even walking around will help it pass, so I decided to take a little bathroom break. I walked to the bathroom and by the time I reached the door, I KNEW I was going to have to throw it up. It's not the bright side of being banded, but it does happen. Thankfully, I've had very few episodes where I actually threw up - usually it passes on it's own. Not this time. After a couple minutes, a small chunk of rice came up and I felt instant relief. I walked back to the table, took a couple of sips of water and waited several minutes before attempting to eat again. Well, I didn't take but one bite of chicken before I knew I had to throw up again. WTF? I rushed back again to the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet before I projectile vomited into it. Now, this was old food. This was food that had started being digested, so I was very confused. There was really no reason I should have thrown this up. Because it was such a forceful vomit, I decided to e-mail my doctor just to make sure everything was ok. I was nervous about the possibility of having my band slip, which can happen after vomiting. Usually, it would take several episodes of serious vomiting for it to occur, but I just wanted to error on the side of caution. Today I feel fine, so I doubt anything is wrong, but man - it really makes you look a vomit in a whole new way. Needless to say, I didn't eat anything after that and we boxed up my food to go. Whether I decide to eat it is a whole other story..

How to NOT lose weight

I had a small epiphany on my way to work this morning. I was thinking about how proud I was about not overeating at my party, despite the fact that all my favorite foods were there. I was thinking about how hard it is to make good choices when you go out to dinner (unless you do some research on the menu beforehand and have a plan going into the restaurant) and how the people you're with affect your decision.

For instance, if I'm out with a group of friends and they're ordering items like chili cheese fries or onion rings, I'm probably going to have a harder time ordering a grilled chicken salad. I'll probably be more likely to order something that isn't great for me. But then I thought that it also depends on the type of person doing the ordering. If I'm out with some of my skinnier friends, I think that while it'll be hard to see them order crappy food, I'd be more likely to order something healthier to show off to them. To show them I'm eating healthier. Whereas if the people ordering the crappy food had similar weight issues to mine, it would be easier to order crappy food because I wouldn't really care so much about their opinions. I think my thought process is pretty odd, but it's definitely true. When I was in PC, I mentioned that my friend "Veronica" had struggled with her weight and I didn't really care about what I was ordering. Then I went to lunch with a slim friend of mine, "Nina", and I took special care to order something healthy. They both know I had the surgery. They're both supportive. What's the difference? One is overweight and one has never struggled with her weight a day of her life. I need to stop associating my food choices with the people I'm with. This journey is about ME, not them. I don't think I'm alone in this thought process because I read an article about how it's harder to lose weight when you associate with people who are overweight. It's like we encourage each other to make bad choices. We're too sympathetic with each other and we allow each other to get away with bad choices.

On a happier note, my boyfriend got me the sweetest gift for my birthday. Apparently, he consulted a friend of mine and she told him to get me jewelry. After 2 days of searching, he just couldn't find any piece of jewelry he thought I'd like or thought I needed. So he started thinking of things I DO need. His decision? A new pair of athletic shoes! Now that I'm starting to work out more, have plans to join a gym, go walking and biking, I really needed a good pair of shoes. My current ones are slip on sneakers and offer no ankle support or stability. I've hurt my ankles repeatedly over the years and needed a pair that will keep them stabilized. I thought it was the sweetest gift ever and meant more to me than any pair of earrings or necklace he could have gotten me. He really thought about my needs and my current lifestyle and catered to it perfectly.

Ode to the Bitch

Today I had a confrontation with one of THOSE people. The type of person that truly believes weight loss surgery is an easy way out and that I should have just ate less and exercised more. It was a co-worker of mine, someone I don't care for very much, and unfortunately she found out about my surgery. Apparently, she thought it was her duty to tell me that I had wasted my money, that I should have just been more disciplined in my choices and that I should have tried harder. This is what I wish I could have said to her:

EXCUSE ME????? Who are you to tell me that my decision is wrong? Who are you to tell me that I didn't try hard enough? Were you there the nights I cried myself to sleep because I had been called fat that day? Were you there every time I attempted a new diet and failed? How dare you tell me to try harder. That is what I've been doing for the last 8 years - trying to get a grip on my weight and my life. That is what I was doing when I decided to have this surgery. Who are you to tell me what to do with my money? If I want to take $8,000 and have a surgery that could save my life, that's what I'm gonna do. Hell, if I wanted to take that $8,000 and set it on fire, THAT'S MY BUSINESS. Who are you to think that your opinion belongs anywhere in my life? I'm sorry that you're so unhappy with your own life that you have to criticize the lives of others.

And when I told you in a fairly polite tone that how I spend my money is my business, how dare you tell me not to get an attitude. Get a life, lady, and stay out of mine!

23

I turned 23 on Saturday. My boyfriend and I threw a party (his birthday is on the 29th, so we celebrate together) and it went really well. We had about 20 people come and just had a great time socializing with them.

As with any party, we had a lot of FOOD. I fancy myself to be a pretty good party-thrower and went all out. We had ribs, shrimp, meatballs, chicken, veggies, fruit, chips, mini quiches, desserts...not to mention a full bar. Parties always kind of scare me because I worry that I'll eat too much, not know when to stop, and then have to roll myself home. I quickly realized that it's much different when you're hosting the party because I barely got to eat! I think I had like 3 shrimp, a small piece of quiche, and a few pieces of fruit. I was too busy running around, playing hostess, getting things for people, showing them where the bathroom was, giving tours of my house, and opening the presents that my guests were so thoughtful to bring. I was so proud of myself for not over-eating when I definitely could have.

My 2nd fill is next weekend (the 9th) and I cannot wait. I'm looking forward to having that restrictive feel back to let me know that it's TIME TO STOP EATING, STUPID! My boyfriend and I are going out of town this weekend with my family to the beach, so we'll celebrate there as well. Thankfully, we're going to be cooking the majority of our food at the beach house, so I won't have to worry about eating out every day. I fully plan to take advantage of the beach and incorporate as much exercise as I can. My boyfriend are also going to the Marianna Caverns on Friday, so there is some hiking involved there.

All in all, a great birthday weekend. Hopefully I'll have reached my 100lb weight loss goal by my 24th birthday. I'm gearing towards 50 lbs by 2009 and I truly believe I can achieve this.

Myths about Weight Loss Surgery

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about weight loss surgery. There are 2 that really bother me and I want nothing more than to make people see that they're not true.


It's an easy way out. There is nothing further from the truth. Just because I've had this surgery does not mean the work is done. It's not a cure, I'm not going to become skinny just because I've had this surgery. I still have to watch what I eat, I still have to exercise, and I still have to make good choices. This band is just a tool to help me along the way. Not only that, but you also have to recover from the surgery and you risk complications like with any medical procedure. It's a physically and mentally exhausting task. Nothing easy about that.

People that have weight loss surgery are quitters. If anything, someone who has weight loss surgery is refusing to quit. They've accepted that they need that extra push to really get their health in gear and they made the effort to help themselves succeed. Anyone who does that is NOT a quitter.

My process has been a daunting one. I flew 3,000 miles for my surgery, had 5 incisions made into my stomach (albeit small incisions), dealt with horrible gas pain, painful burps, general soreness, and was on a liquid diet for 21 days. IT WAS NOT EASY. There were days I thought I wanted to kill someone just for the food in their stomach. But it was worth it. I still struggle every day to make the right choices, to put good food in my body, to make sure I get enough nutrition, enough physical activity, and enough rest. It has been hard, but losing these first 30lbs was worth it. It is worth it to realize your pants don't fit anymore because they're too big. It's worth it to look at yourself in the mirror and like what you see. It's worth it to look at the man you love and know that because of your decision you're adding years onto your life with him. I realize I will make mistakes. I realize that some days I will make a bad food choices. But that is why I have this band to be my support system and to help me in my journey. I've decided to name my band (as most people do). I chose to name him Chuck Norris, because it's the Enforcer.

If you know anyone who has had or thinking of having weight loss surgery, just be supportive. Don't judge them. You have no idea what they've gone through in their life to make this decision.

Shhh! Don't tell!

For a long time after I made the decision to have my LapBand surgery, I wondered whether I should tell people. I told my parents, my sister, my boyfriend, and my best friend. I expected them to be completely supportive (they were) and that I'd have no desire to tell anyone else about it. Then I realized I'd have to tell my boss, since I'd be time off of work and maybe more if I had a rough time after surgery. (Which I did end up having to do - 2 days extra)

I don't know why I was so scared to tell people. I guess I was worried they'd judge me or make fun of me. Like I said in my first post, I used to be someone who thought weight loss surgery was an easy way out of losing weight. I was scared someone would think the same about me without knowing all of my previous attempts.

I was also afraid of having to explain to people that I was having the surgery in Mexico. That undoubtedly would be followed with questions like, "are you nuts!?" "aren't you afraid of all the drug dealers?" "aren't you afraid you'll wake up in a ice bath missing a few internal organs?" Not only are those questions ridiculous, they're annoying as well. I didn't think I had the patience to calmly explain to everyone that it was safe as safe could be and that my experience there was wonderful.

I know this may sound bad, but I kind of like people to think I'm losing the weight on my own. It's like a little secret of mine. When someone compliments me on my weight loss, I like for them to think I'm working hard and don't have the aid of a very effective tool. Not that I'm not working hard, it's just a different type of reaction that you get when people think you're losing weight on your own. While I would never lie if someone asked me if I had been banded, I don't think I'll be volunteering the information on my own too much. But that's our little secret.

Sad Story

I recently watched a documentary on TLC called "I Eat 33,000 Calories A Day". It was eye-opening and shocking to say the least. It told the story of several morbidly-obese adults and showcased the amount of food they eat. All throughout the show, I couldn't help but wonder if I would have been them one day. I wonder if I would have been bed-ridden and forced to use the bathroom on a pad. I wonder if I would have had huge masses of skin hanging off of it, making it hard to breathe. Seeing stuff like that scares the absolute shit out of me. It shows just one of the million reasons why I chose to have weight loss surgery. I didn't want to become those people.

One man was in such denial about the amount of food he ate. They showed a table full of chicken legs, rice, bagels with ham and cheese, fried bread, sausage links, 2 liters of juice, a gallon of orange juice, cookies, cakes...the food never ended! He ate that all in ONE day. But if you asked him, he'd say he only ate 2 meals a day equaling about 2,000 calories. It was so sad to see that kind of denial. He used a respirator to breathe. His family didn't even think he was able to walk, but were shocked to see him actually get up when the food was put out of his reach.

A woman in England was well on her way to becoming the same way. I believe she was almost 400lbs, but I can't really remember. She described the euphoria-like feeling she gets from eating and I related completely to that. There's something about getting the meal that you crave so much and savoring each and every bite, every flavor. She ordered tons of Chinese food and ate it like it was no one's business. She had a huge stomach overhang and had difficulties getting up.

A man in England was so obese he was confined to a large recliner. He could not get up. Not even to use a bathroom. He was forced to defecate on himself and wait till a nurse came by to change the pad every few hours. He received disability and had a volunteer come each day for a few hours to prepare his meals and do other things around the house. He was told he could have weight loss surgery, but needed to lose 112 lbs first. This is something he'll most likely never do. He makes anyone who enters his home sign a contract saying that they will refuse any food requests he makes of them, no matter how much he begs.

It truly breaks my heart to see people like that. Mainly because I see a little bit of myself in each of them. I know in my heart that I could have ended up like them. I can't imagine doing that to my family. I hope those people get the help they need and I feel so blessed to know that I was able to change.

Milestone

This past weekend I reached a milestone. I have officially lost 30 lbs. I decided to use my highest weight to calculate this rather than the weight I was when I made the decision to have surgery. My highest weight was 248 and I'm down to 218. This is the most amount of weight I've ever lost in one attempt. The only time that came close was when I lost 19 lbs in 2005, but that was because I was hospitalized for 2 months with viral meningitis. Not eating anything tends to do that. But now I'm losing weight the healthy weight. I was so excited when I saw the scale read 218 that I cried. Not sobbing, but just quiet tears of disbelief and excitement.

With that excitement comes fear. The fear that I will now plateau and not lose another pound. I have my second fill scheduled for August 9th, so that should help kick start things again. I would have had my second fill sooner, but the fill nurse near me only does it every other month. I'm looking forward to it as I'd like to get as close to 50lbs gone by the end of the year.

I know I've lost a lot of inches off my body. I didn't start recording them till July 6th, which was stupid, so I won't measure myself again till August 6th. I can tell because I'm fitting into clothes I haven't worn in a while, I went down a bra size, my face looks slimmer and my shoes are starting to get loose. This Saturday is my 23rd birthday and I'm going to wear a top that I bought for a Christmas party last year, but couldn't fit into it. The buttons kept popping open and it looked like my boobs were trying to escape. I tentatively tried it on the other day and voila! It fit! And I looked damned good in it, too!

Physical transformations can do a lot for your self esteem. It can either strengthen it or tear it apart. This past week I have truly felt beautiful. My boyfriend always tells me I am, but it's another thing to believe it for yourself. I got a new hair cut, which I love, so I've been spending more time getting ready and really looking at myself in the mirror. For the first time in a long time, I like what's looking back at me.

Back Home

This past weekend, I visited a dear friend of mine in Panama City Beach. We had an awesome time, as we always do, but I was very aware of how hard it is to stay focused when you're out of town.

I know my friend does not read this blog (I haven't given it out to people I know in real life), but I still won't mention her name. We'll call her....Veronica. Veronica and I have had similar struggles with weight loss. Even though I'm MUCH shorter than her, we're roughly around the same size. She was very excited about me having the LapBand surgery, very supportive, and is even thinking about getting it done herself. I've noticed that when I'm around people who have weight issues that we basically encourage each other to be bad. I believe the only healthy thing I had ALL weekend was skipping the bacon she made yesterday morning. I got there Friday night and she had a delicious shrimp and crab boil waiting for me. I skipped the crab and just ate the sausage, shrimp, potatoes, and corn. Now, all those things aren't really BAD for you, but I definitely ate more than what I should have. I also had a pina colada, which was my first alcoholic beverage all year (I'm not a big drinker) and I was tipsy after that. Not a great start. The next morning we went to a few garage sales really early (a little tradition of ours) and we ended up going to IHOP for breakfast with her boyfriend and daughter. Not the best place to eat, but there were a few healthy options. Did I make them? Nope. I got scrambled eggs, 2 pancakes, 2 pieces of bacon, and hashbrowns. Didn't finish it all, but again ate more than I should. Later that day we went shopping AGAIN with her cousin and after decided to go to an early dinner. They took me to their favorite Chinese buffet, where I was adamant that I'd make good choices, but didn't. I ended up getting lo mein, hibachi chicken, rice, and a shrimp dish. To make it WORSE, I ended up getting seconds on the lo mein. And had a yogurt cone. What is wrong with me???? I know that the lack of planning leads to bad, spur of the moment choices, but damn! Later that night, we went to this arcade with her daughter and went to play mini golf. A teeny bit of exercise on that - the course we were on required quite a bit of walking. After that, what did we do? Drove by DQ where I got a chocolate dipped cone. Ugh.

The next morning we decided to bake banana bread and I thankfully decided to skip the bacon. We went to the pool for a few hours, got a little sun, and then decided again on a early dinner, since I'd be leaving right after. Where did we go? Back to the Chinese buffet, since her boyfriend wasn't able to come with us the day before. I pretty much got the same thing, but decided to forego a second plate. That was one of FEW good choices I made all weekend.

Needless to say, I'm very disappointed with myself. You could argue that they weren't very sympathetic to my dietary needs, but I'm the one who put the food in my mouth. I'm the one who didn't protest against the Chinese buffet (twice). I'm the one who opted to get something at DQ instead of saying, "No, thanks". I made the bad choices. That's how I ended up the way I am. That's how I ended up having a weight loss surgery - to help avoid making bad choices. This LapBand isn't going to cure me. It can only help me. The ONLY good thing I can say for this weekend is that even though I made bad food choices, I definitely ate MUCH less than I normally would have. I would have probably gone back to get thirds at the buffet before surgery. I would have gotten a HUGE dessert from DQ and definitely gotten a much bigger breakfast at IHOP. Not a victory by any means, but it gives me a tiny bit of comfort.

This week, it's back to square one. I'm going back down there in 3 weeks with my family and boyfriend and I DO NOT plan to make the same mistakes again. Time to pick myself up, dust off, and attempt to climb back on the wagon..

Inspirado

*If anyone knows where I got the title of today's post, you get 2 sugar-free, fat-free cookies. :)

There have been many weight loss success stories that have truly inspired me. Well, ALL weight loss success stories inspire me, but only a few have really touched me and made me get my ass in gear. I thought I'd pay a little tribute to these people today.

Ross Mathews (aka Ross the Intern) - Ross started out as an intern on the Jay Leno show. He did hilarious correspondent pieces and quickly became a favorite on the show. When his status as a celebrity started rising, he took part in Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. Now, I love this show. I've loved it since the beginning. But I never really looked at it as an inspiration. I always thought it was cool to see celebrities get out there and make a change and accept their issues in front of the whole world. I think it takes a lot of guts. But it wasn't until the season Ross was on that I really was inspired to get off my duff and do something about it. Not only did Ross supercede his initial weight loss goal, he did it TWICE. I believe his total weight loss was a little over 60 lbs. He is fit and trim and has made such a huge effort to maintain his success and shares it every day on his own blog, which is linked above. I tune into his blog daily and gather so much energy, motivation, and hope from this guy. I wish he knew how much he has inspired me.

Amy and Corey from MTV's True Life: I'm Obese - This show hit me hard core. I watched these two people struggle so much with their weight - more than I ever have or could ever dream of. 400lb Corey suffered constant abuse from people his age, his own inner criticism, and truly believed that gastric bypass would be the end of his troubles. Amy was over 600lb, had severe lymphedema in her legs and feet, could barely walk, and completely relied on her loving husband to get through each day. Amy's gastric bypass actually did take place on the show and that was my first true glimpse in to the world of weight loss surgery. By the end of the show, we got to see a glance of Amy's progress. That show aired in 2004 and I always wondered what happened to them. Thankfully, MTV did a follow up story in 2007 (linked under Corey's name) and OH MY GOD. Corey was able to get approved for his surgery and was down to a svelte 185 lbs and on his way to becoming a police officer. Amy had lost a whopping 400 lbs and had encouraged her husband to have the surgery and he lost 200 lbs. The sheer willpower it must take to make a change like that is amazing and gives me hope every day that this LapBand will be my saving grace.

I've often heard people say that a person's weight loss success is shadowed by the fact that they allowed themselves to become morbidly obese. This statement not only angers me, it saddens me. Everyone has their own reason for becoming the way they are, whether it was abuse as a child, depression, a disease, or some little glitch in their DNA that forgets to tell them to stop eating. At times, I am embarrassed and humiliated at what I've let myself become. I feel bad for putting my family through it. But I'm damn sure going to be proud when I become healthy and nothing will overshadow that.

Salty

I can pretty much say that the Lean Cuisine has always been present in my past diets. I love the convenience, some of the options are actually yummy, and they're not too pricey. I especially love the 2/$5.00 deals my local grocery store sometimes have. But Lean Cuisines aren't exactly what they're cracked up to be. Some of them are downright unhealthy. Like most frozen meals, their sodium levels are often through the roof. I visited their website today just to take a look at their nutritional facts. I started in the Comfort Classics section as most of my favorites stem from that category. The Cheese Lasagna with Chicken Scallopini has long been on my Top 10 list. I wasn't surprised to see the nutritional facts right there in the first page, but I was surprised at how few facts they gave. They basically listed the facts that would draw any dieter in: calories and fat. It has 290 calories and 8gr of fat. Fine. That's not too bad. That calorie intake is certainly better than my Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese debacle from before. But I said to myself, "where is the rest of the facts?". Well, you have to go to a whole other page by clicking on a teeny tiny link underneath titled, "More Nutritional Facts". Before I go on, you have to wonder why they chose to display certain facts over others. Are they trying to hide something? Did the web designer simply run out of room and had to go for a Plan B? Whatever the case may be, I found it odd. Personally, I believe they were trying to hide the sodium number. That one meal has 580mg of sodium. Umm..what??? I thought this was supposed to be healthy for me? How can I justify eating this so-called diet friendly meal with that kind of number? According to the wikipedia article on sodium, the human requirement for sodium intake is around 500mg a day. Not only does this one meal take care of my sodium intake for the day, it supercedes it. In fact, of all the different dishes I looked at on Lean Cuisine's website, I could not find one with less than 500mg of sodium.

If I'm going to lose weight, I've got to cut some of the sodium out. Now, I'm not a person to ever add salt to my food, I can't stand the way it tastes. I like my food bland and boring. But apparently, sodium can be in everything, including our beloved Lean Cuisines. How can we lower our sodium intake? Courtesy of the American Heart Association, here are a few tips:

-Choose fresh, frozen or canned food items without added salts.
-Select unsalted nuts or seeds, dried beans, peas and lentils.
-Limit the amount of salty snacks you eat, like chips and pretzels.
-Avoid adding salt and canned vegetables to homemade dishes.
-Select unsalted, fat-free broths, bouillons or soups.
-Select fat-free or low-fat milk, low-sodium, low-fat cheeses, as well as low-fat yogurt.
-Specify what you want and how you want it prepared when dining out. Ask for your dish to be prepared without salt.
-Use spices and herbs to enhance the taste of your food.

Thanks, AHA.

Oh, and if anyone from the great company of Lean Cuisine happens to read this, cut the salt, ok?

Temptations

Yesterday I went to Target (my favorite store in the world) to pick up a few odds and ends before going to the beach this weekend. As I'm about to walk out with my purchases, I hear my name called. I turn towards the snackbar/Starbucks and see an old co-worker of mine from Miami Subs. They now work at Target and apparently manage the snack bar area. He waved me over and as I make my way over there, it hits me. I'm about to go stand in front of a plethora of food that I love. Individual pizzas from Pizza Hut, hot dogs, french fries, chicken fingers, and a variety of ice cream treats. The soda fountain beckons at me with their shiny labels and the smell of carbonated goodness dripping from them. I'm pretty sure the only thing I said during that conversation with him was "mmmhmm, yep, oh really?" I was too busy smelling the aromas of the food of my past. Mercifully, he had a customer and our meeting was cut short and I hurried towards the exit. Just as I was starting to let myself drown in the deep despair of being denied all those yummy foods, I thought, "Hey! Stop it! You walked away, didn't you? You didn't grab a pizza to go or buy an extra large Diet Coke for the road! Snap out of it!" I had walked away from my past..and it felt good.

Yesterday was "Birthday Cake Wednesday" at my job. The 2nd Wednesdayof every month, we get a HUGE sheet cake from Publix to celebrate all the birthdays of that month. July is my birthday month, so I was even more aware that there was going to be a giant cake with my name on it at approximately 2pm that day. Normally, the cakes they get are marble cake with a gooey fudge icing on it. Sooo yummy. All day I was thinking of ways to get out of eating this cake. Should I pretend my stomach hurts? Maybe I should take my lunch late and by the time I get back, the cake will be gone. Should I just throw it in the trash? They always make a big production of bringing the cake to the desk of those that have a birthday that month. Much to my delight, the cake they brought over was not the normally ooey gooey cake that I love so much, it was a spice cake with date nuts and cream cheese frosting. YES! I'm ALLERGIC to nuts! Now, I won't always get out of stuff like this so easy, but let me tell you the relief I felt when my manager brought me my cake and I got to say, "I'm sorry - I'm allergic to nuts". Whew! Crisis averted! My manager apologized over and over, saying they shouldn't have tried a new cake, blah blah blah. I said it was fine and got back to work, happy I could work the rest of the day not dreaming about cake.
Of course 20 min later, my manager returns with an individual cupcake she got from a nearby bakery to "make up" for the cake blunder. Sigh...

The Worst Parts - Part 2

So, I just thought of something that I must add to my list of the worst parts of being overweight. It's something that is SOOO embarrassing and at some points made me feel like less of a woman. Prepare yourself - this is a bit graphic.

The first time I couldn't reach over my stomach to put in a tampon. Sitting down, at least. I've had my period since I was 11, so I've used many a tampon. When I was 20 years old, I realized I could no longer put in a tampon sitting down. I couldn't reach the neccessary anatomical parts over my stomach. From then on, I had to stand up, put one foot on the toilet seat and struggle to get it in with one hand. No way I could use both of my hands - my stomach was too big for that. Even though no one witnesses this, it doesn't make it any less embarrassing that I couldn't reach over my own stomach.

I am happy to report that while I still have to stand up, I can now almost use both of my hands.

I know. This post was gross. I'm sorry. If it offended you, I apologize, but I did warn you. :)

The Worst Parts

Nothing about being fat is good. There is never a time when you say, "Boy, I'm glad I'm a fattie!". Now, some people have better outlooks than others, which is great, but there is no real upside to being overweight. There are a ton of downsides. Over the years, I've had many moments where it hit me like a ton of bricks and I thought I'd share them. I'm hoping in later posts as I lose more weight, that I'll have a "The Best Parts" post to counter this one. I'm confident I will. :)

The first time I shopped at Lane Bryant for pants. I could no longer fit into Old Navy's pants (I don't think they had a Women's Plus yet) and I was MORTIFIED. My mom, bless her heart, tried to make it upbeat by saying how good the jeans looked on me, since all my Old Navy ones cut into me like twine around a pot roast. Nothing about that day was fun. I cried in the dressing room, I cried on the way home...it was awful. I tried desperately to hide my Lane Bryant bag between other bags so no one would know I shopped there. Over the years, Lane Bryant has been my primary source of clothes peppered in by some tops and dresses from Old Navy and New York & Company. I cannot wait for the day where I don't have to shop there for ANYTHING.

The first time I could barely fit into my desk at high school. It was the first day of 11th grade, homeroom, and I basically had to stop breathing in order to sit in that desk. Over the next two years, my stomach progressively hung further and further over the edge of the desk and my butt crept over the sides. I was SO relieved that my desks in college were much bigger and I could sit behind them easily, but I still had much less room than most of the other students in my classes.

My cousin's wedding in 2004. I was a bridesmaid and they had to custom make my dress. It was a gorgeous ice blue two piece. The top was strapless and made of gathered material. They didn't have a size big enough to accomodate me, so I had to order two and the seamstress altered them into one that fit. I hated that dress so much that I burned it the day after the wedding.

The first time I got off a ride because I couldn't fit. Now, no one told me to get off, but there was NO WAY I was going to fit. The bar simply wouldn't close and I was not about to ask for help. I got up and walked off, ashamed of myself.

The first time the airplant seat belt almost didn't close. This happened on my way to be banded. I was flying from Valdosta, GA to Atlanta, GA and I couldn't make it close! Finally, I sucked in as much as I could and shoved the belt down as hard as I could until I heard it connect. I was out of breath and sweaty then, but I damn sure wasn't going to ask for an extender. It was very painful to have it that tight. The rest of the flights (from Atlanta to San Diego and back) I pretended to put it in and kept a blanket over me so the attendants couldn't see it. I knew I could never have it that tight after the surgery from being swollen and gassy.

My best friend's bachelorette party, July 2007. We all went down to Orlando for a weekend of fun. All the girls there were thin and gorgeous. I was already intimidated, but I was determined to have a good time with my best friend. We went to a club one night and it was jam packed, so we had to walk in single file. As we walked in (I was last) I heard these two guys commenting on my friends. They said something along the lines of how all of them were hot and how they had the obligatory DUFF with them. Designated Ugly Fat Friend. I knew what it meant and I glared at them, but walked on by without saying anything.

The first time a family member called me fat to my face. Granted, he was 4, but it still hurt. My sweet little nephew, Andy, loves to give people hugs. One day he hugged me, looked up at me and patted my stomach. He asked, "Thea, (Aunt in Greek) why are you so fat?" I was in shock, but I answered him honestly. "Because I eat too much, sweetie". He said, "Oh" and walked away.

There are a ton more. These are the ones that have stuck with me throughout the years. Don't get me wrong, I have a great life. But it's been infiltrated by the downsides of being overweight. I'm hoping this next phase of my life will have more positive moments.

Fast Food

I love fast food. That has been the hardest part of this journey of mine - giving it up. Not driving over to Wendy's during my lunch break for a double cheeseburger meal PLUS 2 orders of the 5-piece nuggets or stopping to get ANOTHER cheeseburger on my way home. I don't know what the appeal of it is, but man do I love it. In my senior year of high school, I finally got a car. This meant I could leave for lunch. I think I ate McDonald's almost every day for about 4 months. I got the same thing every time - a double quarter pounder with cheese only, fries, and a Diet Coke. Every day. A double quarter pounder has 740 calories. There's roughly 30 days in each month. If I calculate how many calories I had in those 4 months in just lunch alone, I'd get about 88,800 calories. From LUNCH. That doesn't count what I ate for breakfast, dinner, or in between snacks. Considering that about 3,500 calories makes up a pound, that's over 25 lbs. I gained 25 lbs from lunch. That number to me makes me want to cry. I can't believe what I did to my body. It's not just the weight, it's all the other things. The sleep apnea, the back and knee aches, the rashes I get from my thighs rubbing together. Hell, the rash I get my stomach overhang as it rests on my pubic area.

Not only is that bad enough, but my first few jobs were all food related. I worked at a cookie shop, a chocolate bakery, Cold Stone Creamery, and Miami Subs. You can better believe I made good use of my employee discount. At Cold Stone, I'd often make a quart of ice cream to take home with me, more than once a week. At Miami Subs, I often took home 20-30 wings and pretended to call someone at my house so my coworkers wouldn't think it was just for me. On my days off, I'd go through their drive thru and order my 2 favorite meals there: a 12" cheesesteak meal and a cheeseburger meal. Of course, I couldn't let them know it was all for me, so I made sure to order 2 different kinds of drinks so they'd think one of the meals was for someone else. At the cookie shop, I often got there at 6:30 to start baking and I'd be there alone, baking racks and racks of cookies. You can better believe that some of those warm cookies made it into my mouth before we opened up. At the chocolate shop, I was OBSESSED with their chocolate covered oreo cookies. I often would take a few into the bathroom and eat them there. I had no shame.

When I lived at home, I often snuck food into the house. I rented the guest house from my parents while I was in college, but it's built onto the main house, so I still had to walk through there to get to my part of the house. I kept a big, black bag in my car so that I could fill it with whatever fast food I bought on my way home and bring it into the house without my parents seeing. The looks on their face whenever I made a bad food decision was never easy, so hiding it became a way of life. Disposing of the empty fast food bags become an issue, too. I couldn't just throw them out like a normal person or they'd see them. So, I kept a trash bag in my closet that I'd put the empty bags into and whenever my dad took the garbage pail down to the street to be emptied, I'd take my trash bag full of fast food bags and empty it into there in the middle of the night. That way, they'd never see the vast amount of fast food I consumed. It really was like hiding a drug habit. They always knew, but rarely would they say anything because of how upset it would make me. No matter how upset I was, it wouldn't stop me from driving to Whataburger.

My boyfriend (who is probably the most supportive, loving, caring person I know and has supported me throughout this whole journey) even said something to me that made me open my eyes a little more. A few times when we went out of town, we stopped at Burger King before we got on the road. To a friend of ours, he said, "You always have to have Burger King before we leave town". Now I KNOW he did not say this to hurt me or even suggest I was addicted to fast food, but man did that hurt. I quickly said, "I don't HAVE to have it, it's just always on the way out of town and YOU always want food for the road". That comment plagued me for weeks. This was about 3 months before my surgery. We went down to Ft. Lauderdale with his family about a month after my surgery and I made sure to pack healthy snacks for the road so that a fast food stop wasn't neccessary.

Fast food is everywhere. It always will be. I have GOT to learn the power to drive by them and not even consider stopping. After all, it's a matter of life and death.

Almost Famous

I'm very excited that the LapBand is becoming to be more popular. While not as widely used as it is in Europe and Mexico, it is slowly gaining ground against gastric bypass. For me, gastric bypass was way too invasive, way too severe. At least with the LapBand, it is adjustable and I can become pregnant with it, and even have it removed, if neccessary.

A lot of famous people have opted for this surgery. For instance, Sharon Osbourne had it done and lost about 100 lbs. She later had it removed to "address her bulimia". Muhammed Ali's daughter, Khaliah had the surgery done in 2004 and lost almost 170 lbs. She has since become a leader in the fight against obesity and authored "Fighting Weight", which tells her the story of her successful surgery. I personally recommend that book to anyone thinking about weight loss surgery or who already has had it. It's excellent!

I could list every celebrity that's had it done, but that would probably be boring. I do want to mention that the LapBand has recently become a storyline on Guilding Light when one of their actresses, Caitlin VanZandt, had it done in real life. They worked it into the script and it's nice to see a soap opera that doesn't just have "perfect" people on it. Caitlin has been successful so far in her weight loss journey and her progress was featured in People not too long ago.

Obesity doesn't affect one group of people. It doesn't discriminate against rich or poor, famous or not, beautiful or ugly, man or woman. It affects us all and it will kill us all if we don't do something about it. It certainly would have killed me eventually. And I'm not ready to go yet. :)

I really wish it was available to more people, though. I discussed this with my godfather, a well-respected doctor that was once on the board of a major HMO in Florida. He later resigned because he could no longer be responsible for denying treatments to people who really needed them (another story for another day). We talked about how much more cost effective it would be for more insurance companies and HMO's to cover the LapBand surgery. It would prevent diseases caused by obesity that are MUCH more expensive to treat in the long run. I've heard that my insurance company is just now STARTING to think about covering the LapBand, but the guidelines are so strict, my godfather can't imagine people actually qualifying. I guess that's the point. Answer me this, why is supplying a person with a lifetime of diabetes medication or heart medication better than supplying them with a surgery that could PREVENT or even CURE these diseases? It's mind boggling, that's for sure. Maybe the more celebrities get the surgery, the more popular it will become and the more the media will pay attention to it. Maybe then, the big medical companies will take a look into this amazing surgery that has changed my life and so many others.

Welcome!

I have attempted blogs before. I've always started them, posted a few times, then inevitably forgot about them. This time it's different. This time I actually have something to blog about versus just random posts about what happened during that day.

On May 9th of this year, I embarked on a journey. A journey that was a long time coming and a relief to have happen. I had weight loss surgery. Before you roll your eyes at that seemingly mundane statement, let me assure you that the story itself isn't boring. I used to be one of those people that thought weight loss surgery was for people who didn't try hard enough. Those that wanted the easy road out of losing weight. To say I was wrong is an understatement of monumental proportions. In my almost 23 years on Earth, I have tried every diet and exercise plan known to man. Well, not every, but you get my drift. I tried Atkins, South Beach, NutriSystem, Jenny Craig, and the uber popular Weight Watchers. They failed. I failed. Whatever the case may be, those diets and I were not a good fit. Not only did they rarely help me lose weight, their little to no results were short-lived. Even incorporating exercise wasn't enough. I'm not afraid of exercise, so that has never really been an issue of mine.

My issue is food. I love food. I think about food all the time. I think about my next meal shortly after or even during the meal I'm currently eating. My favorite foods are so varied and I'm never at a loss of ideas for what will satisfy me next. I dream about my favorite Chinese buffet, I salivate over the perfect cheeseburger, I oogle the ice cream section every time I go to the grocery store. My lack of portion control has caused my weight to absolutely BALLOON in the past 8 years. I was actually kind of a hottie when I was 12. I was slim, but starting to develop, I had clear skin, long shiny black hair, blue eyes that could pierce your soul.....just kidding. I wasn't bad looking, though. Once I started high school, it ALL changed. I got fat quickly. I developed very quickly and my horomones went wild. I don't mean that in a "I became sexually active at a young age" kind of way, but a "my metabolism is non-existent and I can't stop stuffing my face with cookies" kind of way. My high school years were spent being in denial of how big I was getting. I can't bear to look at my graduation pictures because of how...wideI looked in my gown. I looked like a red, satin billboard. After high school, I got my first taste of freedom. Mainly the freedom of going to ANY fast food place I wanted, whenever I wanted, without having to answer to anyone. My fast food consumption escalated to about 7 times a week.

Last July, I started researching my options. I couldn't live the way I was anymore. I was scared of developing diabetes or hypertension. I had bad swelling my ankles from water retention and I had the early stages of sleep apnea. I'd wake up gasping for a breath more than a few times a week. So after a few months of on and off research, I decided that the best option for me seemed to be the LapBand surgery. It's a minimally-invasive procedure done laproscopically that places a band around the stomach. It creates a smaller pouch which becomes your new stomach. The band is also adjustable. It is attached to a port, which is placed under your abdominal muscle and saline is injected into it. The saline travels into the band and that is how it restricts around your stomach. I was elated to find out there was a local doctor that performed the surgery. I made an appointment to attend his required workshop on the surgery. Within the first 5 minutes of getting there, I found out that not only does my insurance not cover the surgery, but that they charge a FORTUNE for the surgery. Along with their 3 required evaluation appointments, that each cost $300. I left right then and there, upset and frustrated that this wasn't going to happen for me. After about 30 minutes of crying and sulking, I started researching a back up plan. I found a highly respectable surgeon who has performed over 5,000 LapBand surgeries, and proctors a ton of other surgeons. Not only did he have an amazing reputation, but his price was more than reasonable. On May 9th, I flew to San Diego with my mom and traveled down to Tijuana where his clinic is located. I know you're thinking, "Mexico? Is this girl INSANE?" Having the surgery done there was no different than in the states. If anything, the facility was cleaner than any hospital I've been to and the doctors and nurses were 100 times more caring and attentive. My scars (or lack thereof, they're so tiny!) have healed perfectly and I've lost 25 lbs since. This band is not a cure. It's a tool. I eat much less than I used to and I'm very aware of how much I'm eating. People around me are starting to notice, I'm fitting into clothes I haven't worn in years, and my energy level has risen dramatically. I have a supportive family, an amazing boyfriend, and wonderful friends. I KNOW this will work for me. I know there will be ups and downs and believe me, they will ALL be recorded. I hope you stick around to read about them!